OK, so I lied. I am addicted to it, I cannot go cold Turkey. It is impossible to go a week without it. I must moan again! And yes, it is, as always, about the same things: housework and children! Some may call me predictable, some may call it spoilt, but this superwoman thing is getting the better of me. I don't know how to do it all: work, kids, homework, husband. It's just too much. I know, I am weak, I know there are millions of woman out there who do exactly the same thing I do, but I am just wondering HOW? If you are out there and you are reading this and you are a superwoman, please could you share your pearls of wisdom with me! I suppose it was less stressful when we didn't have kids, at least everything stayed clean for longer than 2 seconds. But now, I turn my back to put something away, just to turn around and find something new in its place. And then, there is the actual work that they pay me to do and not to mention my poor husband. The poor man has to be satisfied with burnt dinners and a grumpy wife who is suffering from a serious lack of sleep due to a teething baby. Oi vey!
I definitely am lacking some serious skills in the mother/housewife department. Come to think of it. I studied to be an Architect for 5 years at university and the did 2 years practical at a firm in Hermanus, South Africa, before studying Building Contracts to write my Professional Practise exam. My subjects included Environmental Science, Theory of Structures, History of Architecture, Graphic Communication, Design and a whole bunch of other stuff I don't seem to remember. It was good, it was educational, but what I secretly wish is that they taught me something a little more useful! So as I am currently involved in curriculum development for Architecture students, I thought I would give it a bash to come up with a far more useful curriculum for Mothers-to-be. For instance, I would include subjects like:
1. Stain Removal for Beginners: Course Code: VomitOut 101
Students will be taught to remove any stains, caused by projectile baby vomit or other excretions, from delicate items of clothing, carpets or furniture. Learn how to remove Butternut Orange, Spaghetti Bolognese and Cottage Pie stains from the shoulder areas of a White Cotton shirt , Silk ties and Suede cushion covers.
In this module, new mothers will also be taught the art of removing baby poop from white cotton vests. Students will investigate this delicate art by exploring different methods of bleaching, thus avoiding just dumping the said item in the nearest bin.
2. Multitasking for New Mothers (how to cope when you only have two hands): Course Code: ToesRurFriend999
Here new mothers will be taught to look at their body in a different way. Feet are not just for walking, they can actually be an extra pair of hands, toes can be fingers, mouths and lips can also hold stuff. Thinking of your body in this new way opens up a whole new world of possibilities. (Please Note: ONLY Recommended for students with extra ordinary flexibility and dexterity)
3. How to be in two places at once for Mummies. Course Code: Stretch911
This course is recommended ideally suited for mothers with twins, triplets or generally those with more than one child, but other mothers, like those needing to work while watching a baby, will also benefit. For this module, we employed the services of a wonderful guest lecturer Elastagirl, from the hit movie The Incredibles. Elastagirl will teach you her secrets of stretching yourself to your limits and thus literally, being in two places at once. It is recommended that this subject is combined with the above mentioned Multitasking for New Mothers as body parts will have to be retrained to do the work of others. (Please Note: ONLY Recommended for students with extra ordinary flexibility and dexterity)
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| Elastagirl: Hand Stretch |
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| Elastagirl: Leg Stretch |
3. Extreme Showering ( from dirty to clean in 3.4 seconds): Course Code: Notsmelllikebabyvomit 123
Specially tailored for moms with babies who suffer from reflux and other ailments that prevent them from sleeping for longer than 5 seconds. In this subject you can learn to shower, wash your hair, dry off and at least put on a dressing gown in 3.4 seconds. (Module 2 includes Dressing with one hand while breastfeeding)
4. Fake grooming: Course Code: PasstheBroach101
How to fake looking well groomed, when you only had 3.4 seconds to shower and dressed yourself with one hand while breastfeeding a baby. Learn to fool even your colleagues by looking stunning at the office Christmas party after being vomited on by strategically accessorising.
5. Ignoring illnesses (how to make yourself believe you are feeling great, when you should actually be quarantined) Course Code: Achoo!!911
You are only imagining you are sick, but they really are! Learn to cope with the fact that when you are sick, every one in the house immediately becomes sicker than you. It is all mind over matter. You will feel better instantly (Please Note: The University will not accept any responsibility for actual death or hospitalization of students, this is just a coping mechanism, you ARE ACTUALLY sick!)
6. Juggling: Course Code: BigHands 10
This may seem obvious, but it is indeed one of your core subjects. In this day and age it is important for a new mother to learn how to juggle a career, family, marriage and stay thin at the same time (without going insane) as dropping one of these balls may have serious consequences. It does help to have done the course with Elastagirl before embarking on this Module, as severe stretching of all limbs is essential in order to pass this course.
7. Communicating with toddlers: Course Code: NoNoNoNoNo 111
How to repeat the same answer over and over and over and over...Students are advised to purchase a Dictaphone or similar equipment for this subject. There is nothing wrong with recording a few standard phrases like: "No!", "Put it down!" or "Because I said so!"
8. Sleep Deprivation for Beginners: Course Code: NightNight 2000
It is recommended that you start this training at least a year before you become a mother. Train yourself to cope with only 3 hours of sleep a night and if the baby sleeps allows you to sleep longer than this, it will seem like a gift from above. Please note: Never get lulled into a false sens of security that they are now sleeping through, there is always something that will make you regret you bragging to your friends about this later on!
9. Telepathic communication (with your partner): Course Code: Readmymind 101
When babies are finally sleeping it is sometimes impossible to verbally communicate with your partner (screaming is known to wake up a new born). It is thus important that you learn to telepathically communicate with your partner, especially if he/she is downstairs and you are in desperate need of a pee. Learn to transmit messages like "Please bring me another bottle before she starts screaming again" or "I need to go to the loo desperately so please come take over".
10. Stay calm when times are tough. Course Code: Theydogrowupeventually 999
It is true, they do eventually grow up. This is a closing course to teach you stay calm, count to 10 and remember that they will eventually grow up. Students are advised not to mark the days till this happens on a calender or even purchase or make a type of baby advent calender for this purpose, as seeing the actually amount of days before they can walk, talk etc. may become depressing.
Students are advise to keep the following words of wisdom in mind when applying for the above course: "Motherhood: the longest days but the shortest years"
Lady on British Airways flight to South Africa
What has this got to do with cooking you may think. ABSOLUTELY nothing! Stefan and I had a week from hell with a teething baby. I did manage to make the most beautiful Beef Ragu amongst all this mayhem on Saturday night, but I will blog about that later. I just had to get the above out of my system.
I wish for a peaceful night, I wish that we will get some sleep and I hope that I will remember to stay calm and keep in mind, that one day, she will grow up.
Until...later...
